SAN MATEO, CA- Pro skater Ted Roberts, better known as “Too Gnarly” to his fans, spent time in the kennel this week after being charged with inappropriate conduct by California police. His sentence resulted in 30 days of jailtime followed by 90 days of community service. The charge was the result of an accusation made by a woman, who local authorities will not identify, who claimed that Too Gnarly verbally attacked her. To this, Roberts responded in his public statement, “So what? I called her a bitch, ‘cuz that’s what she was being, a bitch. And not just because she’s a female dog.” Roberts is currently free on bail.

Well, we finally managed to get our paws on a gaming system, and it happened to be a Gamecube. Fortunately, lying next to the Gamecube (which we found in a pile of garbage in the alley) were two controllers, so we experimented first with the game’s multiplayer modes.

The first thing we notice is the ease of play. Skating around is effortless and doing ollies and simple grinds are easy to execute. The game’s massive stages are nothing like we’ve ever seen before–you can play on free skate mode for hours on the same park and still miss hidden halfpipes. We didn’t get to play much of the single player career mode, but what we played was fun and challenging. The career mode is setup differently than previous versions of the game; NPCs standing throughout the course offer quests and challenges rather than the standard 2-minute skate quests in the original game.

H-O-R-S-E

This classic game is implemented well in THPS4. Though racking up a massive score requires nimbles paws to hit a series of complicated button combos, most of us were pretty good at not face-planting.

GRAFFITI

In this game, skaters “tag” objects by doing high-scoring tricks on them. After a single game, however, Fluffy accidentally swallowed one of the controllers and had to be rushed to the emergency veterinary hospital.

An X-Ray of Fluffy's Abdominal Cavity

We apologize for such an incomplete review. Due to unforseen difficulties, we were not able to further play the game.

Dear Extreme Canines Monthly,
XCM rules!!!! It’s the best zine ever!!!!
- Daniel B., Salt Lake City, UT

Thanks, Daniel! – XCM Staff

—

Patrice, an XCM fan and champion fencer

—

Dear Extreme Canines Monthly,
First off, I wanna give a shout out to my girls, the Bad Bitch Skate Krew. Second, can you write more articles about extreme bitches? (And by that, I mean female dogs.) Peace!!
- Molly W., Winslow, Arizona

Molly,
Hope you enjoy this month’s highlight of extreme sport gal Shadow Mullins. She’s not your typical bitch (and by that I mean female dog).
– Ruthie P., Editor

—

Jim Paul, an XCM fan from Flint, MI

—

Dear Extreme Canines Monthly,
Woof woof woof woof  woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof
woof woof woof?
Jean-Luc S., Midlothian, VA

Jean-Luc,
Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof. Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, woof?
- Fluffy,  Business Development

 

—

Digital fan art by SevenStarX

Shadow seized the win at this year’s Kibbles and Bits Surf Dog Pro 2011 Contest with a decisive score of 9.1. A heated battle ensued in the second round, however, when chocolate lab Mittens Fitzstevens came close with an 8.8.

“I got really nervous toward the end because I was up against Mittens, and this is really her turf,” said Mittens. “She’s sort of a local favorite.”

This is the second victory this season for Mullins, who took the gold in the Purina World Tournament at the Nestlé Purina Conference Pavilion.

“It’s fun. To me, it’s not work. But for my next few events I’m really going to step up my game. Hopefully this will be my best season yet.”

Q: What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?
A: A collie-flower!

Q: What did the cowboy say when the bear ate Lassie?
A: “Well, doggone!”

Q: Where does a Rottweiler sit in a movie theater?
A: Anywhere he wants to!

XCM: By now, you’ve probably heard of Ted “Too Gnarly” Roberts. If you haven’t seen him at the skatepark, you’ve caught a glimpse of his fame and eccentricity everywhere between news stands to mac and cheese commercials. You might’ve spotted him in his private box seats at the last X-Dog Games hiding behind oversized sunglasses, but now he’s made himself impossible to ignore. Tell us about your activism, Ted.

TED: Well, it all started when I was a kid. All I wanted to do was skate. All day, every day, skate, skate, skate. But there were a lot of things getting in the way of becoming who I am today.

XCM: What sort of difficulties did you face? Do you think young skateboarders today face the same challenges?

TED: To an extent, yes. But kids these days are so coddled. Their parents are so overprotective, and they’re like, ‘You’re the best! Great job!,’ it’s like, ‘Here’s a trophy for doing jack squat!’ Kids these days know nothing about discipline and hard work, like I do.

I was sixteen the first time I got arrested. Me and my friends, we were skating outside this L. L. Bean outlet in Orange County, and this mall cop comes up and says we weren’t allowed to skate there. Some bull about injuring pedestrians, destroying personal property, whatever. He was totally in the wrong so we skated in circles around him to prove our point. Then the mall cop threatened to call the real cops, and that was just so unnecessary. If anything, WE should have called the cops on this guy for spoiling our fun. I was livid. You can’t limit a skatedog’s right to skate. That totally goes against everything in the Bill of Rights. So I kicked him in the nads.

XCM: What sort of goals are you trying to accomplish with your latest “Don’t Hate, Skate” campaign?

TED: First and foremost, I want to make it safer for kids to skate. That means, no curfews. Kids can skate whenever they want. And no helmet laws. Helmets are just a conspiracy made up by terrorists to weigh our skaters down. But most of all, I’d like to eliminate the police department, to get back at them for hassling me. They aren’t keeping people safe. Cops are just egomaniacs that arrest you for no reason.

XCM: You’ve gotten a lot of attention lately from the Consumer Product Safety Comission, the along with the National Skateboarding Association, for your stance on helmets.

TED: If those losers have a problem with me, they should say it to my face. Not make some wimpy press conference or whine to Oprah. It’s like, get a grip! If your kid wasn’t so bad at skateboarding. They wouldn’t need protective gear. I only wear a helmet when I feel like it. I don’t need to wear one because I land every trick. So all these posers need to stop being wimps and man up.

XCM: For our readers who don’t know, Ted Roberts is facing two pending lawsuits right now. One is from the LAPD concerning a racist remark made against a Doberman at the 2010 X-Dog Games, which is being investigated as a hate crime. The second lawsuit is from the International Olympic Committee, challenging Too Gnarly’s self-proclaimed (and controversial) five Olympic gold medals.

TED: How is that controversial? I won those medals fair and square, in the 1993 Olympics.

XCM: Where were those Olympics held?

TED: Nigeria.

XCM: Thanks for clearing that up, Ted. Thanks again for agreeing to this interview.

TED: I just wanna give a shout-out to my friends. You guys are the bomb. Oh, and I got an album coming out in August, so you should buy it.

My name is Blossoms, but my skate friends call me the ‘Big Bloom’. They say when they see me skate it’s like a flower opening up to the sun. I can beat down any player on the block -  there isn’t a single trick Big Bloom can’t do.

Until Z.Z. Yap dared me to go whack on the sickest half pipe in Baltipaw. Now, I’m good at tricks ‘n’ all, and there’sno hound around that can chase a tail like me. But regardless, I like to steer clear of half pipes. There’s somethin’ about them that makes its bark worse than its pipe.

But Z.Z. Yap was trippin’ that day and dared to call Big Bloom chicken. So not only would I take his half pipe challenge, but I’d do it sans helmet, knee and elbow pads. Big Bloom was gonna grasp it in his jaws and never let go.

But when we got to South Baltipaw, I’ll admit I was scared. That half pipe was huge, but Big Bloom never goes back on his word. I thought I just needed a shot of confidence and I’d be alright. I put all four paws on my board and built up some steam, navigating the sides carefully to the cheers of the gang.

I did my first trick OK and sped up to do a 360 ollie enchilada move, but on the way up the side my wheel hit a divot. My board went from under me and disappeared. Everything went in slow motion as I lost control mid air. I span around, my head breaking my fall with a crunch. I heard the crowd gasp and everything went black…

I was holed up at the vet’s for weeks. No one came to visit. Word on the street was that Z.Z. Yap was spreading rumours about me and my skating ability, and sadly since the accident, I’ve ended up believing them myself. I’m jarg, end of story. My accident has left a scar not just on my noggin, but deep inside. I’ll never go near a board again after my half-pipe hell.

—

Guest writer J. “Big Bloom” Blossoms, Manchester, UK
Illustrations by Ruthie P.

At this precise moment, pooches all over the country are attempting new tricks for the first time. On the east coast, a Schnauzer attempts his first ollie. A Weimeraner in LA practices blocking the moves for a triple kickflip. Elsewhere, a beagle successfully grinds for the first time. But one old dog isn’t learning any new tricks any time soon—two months ago, Toby Pups, 12, suffered a massive fracture of the tarsal bones in his left rear paw, an injury that’s making him question his choice of career.

“Every dog has his day, and every dog has his limits. The thing about being a professional skateboarder is that you have to constantly improve. You have to be better than you were last year. You have to be faster, you have to land more complicated tricks, year after year after year, or your fans will get bored of you. And that’s what made me break.”

Toby’s fans, however, are shocked at Toby’s seeming disenchantment toward skateboarding. “I feel bad for him. His injury probably will hurt his career big-time,” said Sam White, a fan from Louisville, Kentucky. “But I enjoy his vintage stuff just as much as his new stuff.”

On the TV screen in the XCM offices, a young, tan Toby Pups flies down a rail outside a grungy office building. He swerves gracefully and flawlessly nollies over an unkempt container garden.

Today, sitting on a wooly rug in front of a sunny window, Toby looks worn. The sun reflecting off his now totally white fur is nearly blinding. If it weren’t for the cast on his leg, he would look like a ghost.

Last April, Toby Pups was a the star opener for a WWE Championship event at Madison Square Gardens. He wowed the crowd with a series of halfpipe moves, including his signature “360 Dogbite.” But just when it seemed the audience had peaked with excitement, the accident happened.

“I crashed hard,” said Toby. “I went for the 540. And my paws weren’t on it right. But I did it anyway. I made a bad decision because I felt pressured.” In a low-resolution video captured by a fan’s cell phone, one can witness the gruesome total collapse of his paw. At the 40 second mark, Toby attempts a 540, a move in which both the board and skater make one and a half revolutions before landing. But by :42, he’s catastrophically crashing down on his ball of his back paw.

“I was devastated. I haven’t skated much since the accident.”

Whether he recovers from his fall or not, Toby Pups has secured a place in skating history—and our hearts. From underground skate star to going pro,  blockbuster movie roles, and his romantic relationship with Gidget, the late Taco Bell mascot, Toby has left his permanent paw print in history’s wet pavement.

Max S., an XCM fan from Orlando, FL

—

Dear XCM,
I’m sooooo excited for the first issue of Extreme Canines Monthly! It hasn’t come out yet but I know it’s gonna be sweet! Are you going to do a section  for skateboarding tips? Because that would be really cool. Thanks!
Martin F., Sacremento, CA

Hi Martin!
We’re glad you’re stoked about the launch of XCM, and so are we. Since we got so many letters about skateboarding tips, we decided to make this issue our annual skateboard issue. Hope you enjoy all the cool skateboarding articles!
Ruthie P., Editor

—

PB Jones, an XCM fan from Akron, OH

Dear XCM,
I think a magazine about skateboarding for dogs sounds cool, but it would be WAY cooler if you made a video game about skateboarding dogs. I like Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4 but  I wish there were more options out there for dogs like me. Cheers.
William “Buffy” P., Little Rock, AR

Buffy,
You’re in luck. As we speak (er, close enough) right now, a game right up your alley is being created for you at the Extreme Canines Monthly Test Lab. Keep an eye out for it next month.
Ruthie P., Editor

Sprinkles, an XCM fan from Oakland, CA

“Every year on June 21, skateboarders around the globe celebrate the pure exhilaration, creativity, and spirit of one of the most infuential activities in the world by blowing off all other obligations to go skateboarding.”

Check out pictures and more information at goskateboardingday.org.